Time To Let Go & Grow

HELLO Queens & Kings of ur own kingdoms,

Today was not a normal day to me; it was a remarkable day of my life that I will never forget. I still don’t know what date is it. But I feel its special ness in my little tiny winy heart where my little birdie whistling to tell me that this is the day where I have to let go and grow. It was never easy for me to let go, this thing followed me from childhood untill now. There are a lot of memory, things and people still I am holding on to and waiting for which I find it really bad and exhausting for me to keep a burden like that. Its me who always tell myself to keep them = as if I have any power to do so they stay themselves = to reminds me that I got over many bad things and whatever, but subconsciously I suffer from them because they follow me and track me down always. At last I realized that it is not appropriate for my dear soul and heart to bear all these horrible burden and suffer in silence.
You might not know me well, even if you do say that you know me. But you cannot imagine how far I can keep things keep in my little head and heartie. These things confuse me, give me bad headaches, make me crash and collapse usually and loose taste of life in other times.
I am not psycho or anything I am spilling out whatever in my heart, talking about the major thing that happened to me and the realization I was shocked to admit.
Going back to my case, what happens that I usually fear facing what happened and tend to ignore it and avoid it completely. There where I hold back and do not let go I keep thing in me they may rot and it hurts more and more by time.
Coming to what I did and in a conclusion, today everything changed that I believe. I am in the process of changing and letting go easily and carefully and grow for sure.

What happened to me to do so?
Today a thousand and one war tears were running on my cheeks trying to develop a water canal towards my heart to wash it off. And it did, I was in my room for first time in my life I did not lock the door while I am crying my thousand and one tears. I was always in a fear that someone might open the door and asks me what’s wrong, but that fear vanished away I was ready to smile and say that I was just remembering for a very last time in my life the things that followed me in my these little couple of years. And after a long tearing and wetting my sleeves and marking my baby pink long shirt into some black wet spots. Then I stood up I looked at myself in the mirror I was different much prettier, cant see anything wrong anymore but my eyes were red blood, but who cares I needed to do so. So I wore my glasses to hide my puffy red blood eyes and went to watch my all time favorite movie that I watched for more than million times ‘ The Cider House Rules’ it story suited my situation and the fitted my emotions and letting go business which made me more happy and relaxed. After watching it I went and shut all the lights in our house and start walking in the dark till I reached our main glass porch, looking straight to the moon, I felt so selfish that by looking at the moon I felt like I am owning it. I remembered all sweet memories with my friend ALIVE, we used to sit on the roof of our house looking up to the sky and dreaming of everything sweet. We discuss our dreams and promise the moon and each other to fulfill them all. Now she’s in the states but coming back inshalla. After whispering to the moon I laid down on my back the marble was so cold, and I felt so relived watching our five huge and tall coconut trees, and sat and let go everything in my mind and was living the second of relief and happiness.
I start walking again in the dark happily like no ever, thanks to Allah, then switched on some lights and headed to take a cold shower promising myself that I will get through it all and will win inshalla at the end.
From now on, I will always remind myself to be whatever I want to be in the moment. And never set rules to complicate things that I usually enjoy, rules is complicated, following your heart is more risky but exciting and rewarding.

To you who I really care about:
I am here, waiting and dreaming of the day when we will meet again but it will be different from any day ever this I promise. Good night

Good night everybody and Kitten if it happen you are reading my blog a big **huggie** to u J

And yaw soundless cry the most ever biggest hug in the world for you…. cheeeers

Daddy*heart* Me

I love my father more than anything in this world, I love it when he opens up to me and we talk about many things that concerns me and him. He even admitted that he likes talking to me and have good conversations together. We were discussing subjects like noble goals, Islam, values, humanity, great people, difference between Islamic communities and so forth. I just enjoy knowing what in his mind. I love sitting with him showing him new stuff online, massage his feet, actually when I massage him he always say that it always helps him to relax. May Allah protects him and gives him long life to be able to see my kids inshalla, Amen. Hmmm I wish if I have the strength to continue writing and express my feelings and what I’ve been through today, but I promise that by tomorrow inshalla I will spit it out –hhehee-
And now I better continue reading some of the novel I am reading online hehehe its Arabian one, and will go immediately to sleep after I finish it, its gonna take me around 5 minz.

Psssst: I am so angry at you soundless heart, why don’t you comment on my updates???

Mother Teresa & My inner voice speaking at last

Listening: Shabd theme song it ROXX
Munching: nothing -im hungry-
craving: to fulfill my tasks in this world

DO IT ANYWAY

Dedicated to Soundless Heart my ever best person in whole life I (heart) You
People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives; Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.
Mother Teresa

A new day for me filled with new feelings, new experience. God you are so good to me, you love me, and you care about me. The thing is I had always had a special relationship with Allah since a child. I used to pray for long time merely for everything, I am so loving it but as I grew I felt that the relationship started to loosen it tightness and I forget to do right sometimes. Many things happened that were not for my good but I did it anyway. However, now and especially today I am going to sacrifice my soul to the people of good to us the children of Allah the only god I always believed in. My prayers will never stop I don’t want to be wealthy woman with everything great I want to live as a women with values to stand up for, I believe that I am capable to do so inshalla-

What brought all that sweet memories I had was watching a documentary about Mother Teresa, great woman of all times. She was a great person with a noble cause to live for.
I was so touched –again- with everything every specific scene that I watched. It was all good and motivating big time I am sure. Its amazing thing to watch movies and documentaries about great people and from now on I will be myself the one I always wanted to be for so long.
You know something, I always suffered from not being able to balance between my values and what I have to do to fit in UAE society- however, I never felt good to spend around 200$ on a skirt or 3000$ on a stupid party dress, I never feel good wearing such things at all. I always prefer a clothes that does not cost much and later on I can give it to charity. What happens that sometimes you doubt yourself ( am I doing the right thing or what is it really??). Rich family surrounds me but I never was taught to spend money on stupid luxurious things just to show off. But what happens that being with like close family members and in-laws and they are showing off what they have got lately and what was the highest bill they ever paid for a meal –god how shallow- anyways that kills me sometimes and make me cry.
I want to hold on to something I believe in, and from now on I am going to fulfill my goals and aims in this life, believing that ALLAH gave me this chance to make good things out of it inshalla .
My new schedule will be -inshalla-:
visiting the old folks house in Dubai
visit sick and old people in the hospitals
visit the abandoned kids in hospitals
fight for the little orphans to have a suitable house and everything they need

this is for beginning, but inshalla later on I will try to work on a bigger things and I hope to start my foundation now inshalla my only lord ALLAH will be always there with me.
Some of the amazing words that Mother Teresa said:

A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace.

The more you have, the more you are occupied, the less you give. But the less you have the more free you are. Poverty for us is a freedom. It is not mortification, a penance.

Speak tenderly to them. Let there be kindness in your face, in your eyes, in your smile, in the warmth of your greeting. Always have a cheerful smile. Don't only give your care, but give your heart as well.


At the end wanna know how much I suffered and been through to watch this documentary read the below as a dialogue between me and my elder bro –by 2yrs only lol-
Him: go to bed to get up early to do something with your life better than just watching tv all night and day.
Me: noooooh I am not going to go to bed, I need to watch it
Him: why is that you are not Christian yalla sis go to bed
Me: -frustrated and going to my bed- Its not like I am watching stupid things
I locked the door and went to change my clothes, then I hear some knocking on my door, and guess what???
Him: sis ..
Me: what now?
Him: how many PSP cds you got??
Me: -angry again- well wait
I went straight to the TV, opened a cupboard beside the TV, and gave him two CDs.
Him: just two
Me: yes I have three actually the other one in the PSP itself and by the way I am going to watch it now
Him: when its going to finish?
Me: -I know its on 1:00 am- I dunnoo –devilish I know-
Him: ok fine but dont be late its not good.

Lol my dear bro is just trying to tell me that he cares, Its not bad but sometimes they say things just out of nowhere just to tell you that they are still here.. oooh dear brosss

Anyway, now I better go to sleep its already 2:00 am, I took time checking my emails and answering some emails from friends communities and other things.

Pssssst: for Soundless heart I hope u have the chance to check my blog daily as you promised I <3>

Gandhi & noble cause

Listening : **voices in ma head**
Munching: nothing
Place : my room, my only kingdom
Craving: to be able to reach my noble cause in life
PRAYER : + Dear ALLAH, may you please take care of me, my family and everyone I care about. O ALLAH, make tomorrow the best day in my whole life, and spread your blessing on my and everybody. O ALLAH, thanks for the grace you gave us and thanks for everything.

Hello there,
Today I was watching the movie about “Gandhi” he is such a great personality, his tolerant personality shakes our cores, I was crying most of the time. Firstly, because of the great personality and way of dealing with everything that he shows. Secondly, because he was living for a high purpose, he was holding on to what he believed in and lived his life fulfilling the vows he made.
God I want to be living for such a noble aim, I already have but until now I am not so into it like most of people like me. I was born to raise Muslims voice and to experience a new Islamic age and glories I so believe in. still that I did not have the willpower and good knowledge to lead or to be attached to the cause. I sometimes feel shaken for not knowing what to do or what to choose. Sometimes I feel weird, not being able to fit in the crowd and sometimes weak to do anything. However, I believe that these times either make us stronger or destroy us. I believe that who am I now is the sum of all experience good and bad that I’ve been through, believing that there are many more that will make me a good person in future –inshalla-.
Hmmm today was one of the not that much good days, lol I woke up around 6:00 am can you believe that??!!! However, I let my younger sis to sleep with me to rebound and stuff like that, so we got up, prayed and read some Quran and I recited to her the Suoras I’ve already memorized inshallah I’ll be done with Juzu’a A’ama this month inshallah I hope so. Then we went to have a breakfast together, can you imagine that I was not able like for a whole year to have a breakfast with my family because of the university huhuu..Goodness lol anyways we had some Indian bread its called ‘chapati’ yummu yummu especially if its with chocolate syrup and Hershies chocolate chip yummy. But my younger sis likes it with cheese and egg + hot chili sauce, its yummy 2 :P
The my Mum used us **angry** she let us help the maids into moving to our new dining room, we had to count the many many silverware+ dishes+ many other ewwooooh things. I really not into stuff like that, I prefer to have maximum 50 pcs of everything, yet in special occasions more than 300 visitors come so we always have to be ready anyway hmmmffff..
Then we spent the day –me+sis- sitting in my room talking, laughing, reading and many other stupid things. At 6:00 pm she went to sleep like dead body on her bed poor gal lol, and I guess what happened to me???
I felt useless, depressed remembering everything I had to do, and just questioning myself like zillion times do I really wannna do it anyway??? Or what is it? it may be that I am just under pressure because of what people expect from me, or their eyes looking at all the faults I do to make fun or to destroy whatever I say. I doubted everything every purpose make me survive till now, give new reasons to keep on going and continuing. I just reached a point where I really believe that I have MANY MANY THINGS TO LEARN. Ahhh I feel so helpless sometimes and wishing that somebody come to make me feel easier but I know that to feel good I have to have peace with my inner self and kill the devil in my heart as Gandhi said. Arggghhh I wish if I can wake up one day to find myself like everybody else. But huh NO WAY, I was born different raised up differently, always had to struggle to reach whatever I want and it’s the beauty of life. life is full of struggles, and I believe if I went to as many struggles in life I can die peacefully because I’ll be already tasted many tastes of this multipart life.

URS FAITHFULY
ALMONDAZ

BiG life DECISION

Listening : my lil sis loud iPod *God knows what shes listening too*
Munching: Oreo'z
Place :ma **freeeezinnn** rook
Craving : yOU :) lol and a big tight hug ever
PRAYER : + Dear ALLAH, may you please take care of me, my family and everyone I care about. O ALLAH, make tomorrow the best day in my whole life, and spread your blessing on my and everybody. O ALLAH, thanks for the grace you gave us and thanks for everything.


Dear Everybody:
Yesterday was a real big change in my whole Life; I made the ever-biggest decision ever. I feel nervous, scared and can’t focus much more than 5 minutes -sometimes it’s too much 2-. However, its for the best of all of us I believe. i am trying to keep on holding and trust in ALLAH my only Lord, sometimes things happen in our life and we think that it is the right things we keep on going along with it, and later on you wake up from the sweet dream you were in as if you were blind, anyway there is always a day where a person must do the right thing no matter are the sequences are going to be. that what I did, it took lot of courage but anyway I did it. I am so proud of myself -thanx be to ALLAH- and I believe that i will get over everything and work hard to reach my goals believing that the thing I quit is one of my major goals but I wasn’t ready for it now. I so believe that i'll be even more than ready in the coming couple of years -inshalla-.
Some new stuff I would like to add, yea my sister is pregnant and just before couple of days the doc'z are so worried that her baby might suffocate and she might deliver her before her time..**eyes full of tears** the doc'z even were surprised as her case is not common and they will study her case, private hospitals are way much better than these stupid freaky public hospitals, goodness I am so worried about her, I hope everything be just fine -inshalla- **sobs-sobs**
What else, hmm one of my friend just went to India and we always text each other, her sms today made my day I laughed like hell lunatic hehehee she was like: "can you believe that this country is full of Indians!!!" lol she was shocked I was like: hello dear you are in India where it suppose to be filled with Indians worse than Dubai hehehe.. i wish i had the chance to go to India or anywhere this year, but it seems that’s a bit impossible yet we might go to the holy Makka in August well I hope so -inshalla-.
Its already 11:21pm I better go check the TV, then go to sleep.
U r MOST fAITHFUL
ALMondaz